Next time baby, I'll be bullet proof.

 I don't even know where to begin on this one. And to be honest, I can't even say that I'm shocked... I'm just sort of indifferent about the situation entirely.

Two posts ago I talked about a guy I had finally got to meet after two years of an online friendship. And I mentioned about how I didn't think the universe could be so cruel to just let it happen once and take it all away, well, I think in this case... it's more of "how could I have been so niave". Because, truly I think that's what it was, I got blind sided in some sort of idea that there would someday be an "us", simply because those words came out of his mouth, but I guess you can't believe in what someone says, rather you have to believe in what they do. And life would have it that I missed every single warning sign and caution mark...

After not talking for three or four weeks, ofcourse naturally, as he does, he messaged me again, just very casual saying hi, and that he wanted to get together again and when a guy that you have strong feels for tells you he misses you, your heart melts a little bit, sinks into you chest and holds on to that idea, so tightly that perhaps it just might never let it go. I replied with similar comments, and the conversations just continued. We talked about getting together again, hanging out, also having the opportunity to have another steamy night together, but it was once again just words, words that always seem to mean something coming out of his mouth; where in actuality it was all just empty. As we made plans to get together again on a Saturday afternoon, I started thinking to myself... maybe he's ready, maybe we can approach this slowly, cautiously, as slow and steady 'wins the race'. As my heart began to race in excitement, my head knew just to slow down, live in the moment, not in the fairytale inside my head.

It was a Thursday afternoon, about 2 weeks ago that it all finally came to an end. I was chatting with him in the morning about my new trainers I had gotten for the gym, conversation was light hearted and flirty, as it always was. But just a few hours later I recieved this text:

Him: Kaitlin, She has given me another change and i' know this sounds horrible but, I can't keep in contact with you. I don't want to risk it all with her, I love her so much and you know that! And I got this last chance and I'm going to make it work. X

I was on my way out of the house, to have dinner with my girlfriends and I immediately found myself in a pile on my bedroom floor, sobbing. How did I let this happen again? How did I let myself run with this idea. How could I be so stupid to think that it would ever happen. I became numb, just for a moment. This guy, who I'd made so special, built up so much, was exactly who I never wanted him to be, just another guy to hurt my heart. Quickly I caught myself. No, I'm not letting him get this gratification that he actually made me upset.

Me: No worries, thanks for letting me know this time. I hope it works out, I also hope you don't get you heart broken. Take care of yourself, I wish we could of had a chance too... Anyway got get her and don't let her go.

My subconscious was screaming at this idea! Kaitlin, tell him how you really feel. Pour your heart out, just say what you need to say to feel okay again...

I didn't, I left it, wiped the tears off my face, gathered myself off my floor and continued to get ready for a well deserved girls night out. It's time like these that a distraction is exactly what you need. As I sat down over dinner and told my girlfriends what happened, they couldn't believe that he did it again. In the back of my mind I just sort of let the whole thing rest for a minute, until the realization came to me... how could I have been so forgiving to someone who constantly disregarded my feelings time and time again? 

As the night carried on, I came to the conclusion, although he said he couldn't keep in contact with me anymore, I decided... what else is there to lose? I mustered up a well thoughtout message to send him as my 'final words' if you will...

Me: So, I know you said you had to keep your distance, but I just want to say you've been a little bit inconsiderate of my feelings. I think you know how strongly I felt for you and I'm a little surprised you haven't apologized for putting me through the ringer... It's a tad bit inconsiderate as I have feelings too... I know we got a head of ourselves but it seems you kept me on the back burner for amusement while your ex-girlfriend decided if she wanted you around. You're as bad as her in that sense. I know I was super nice earlier and I meant what I said, but I just couldn't wrap my head around the fact that you completely disregarded  how I might have felt and I just never thought you would be that person.. but now, for the third time, you've done it again. Honestly, I get it, you can't help who you love, but you should never blatantly lead someone on and then just switch it off like nothing happened.

I held my breath as I saw him typing a message in are whats app conversation. I didn't know what to expect, but I certiantly was not expecting this:

Him: You finished?!? 1. I didn't know how I felt. 2. Atleast I told you and 3. You should have just left it. Please delete my number.

Shocked, I quickly replied:

Me: I'm not truing to be rude, I'm just saying how I feel. Yes you told me, I respect that and ofcourse you didn't know how you feel.. but a simple "I'm sorry" would have sufficed. And as you wish... But if you want to leave things sour like this, then that's on you.

Holding my breath again while I saw him typing... his final words...

Him: You left it sour, not me. But like I said, delete my number.

You know, I wasn't even sad reading it, I didn't even know how to feel anymore. Here is this person who once told me he couldn't wait to get the chance to finally be with me... and though the timing may have been off, to just toss it aside like trash, well that's ovbiously how he saw it. I think it comes down to what I said earlier, you can easily make a person special, build them up just to have them break down infront of you and expose who they really are, just another guy, who's just another story and just another person who left a bit of a mark.

It's been two weeks and to be honest, it's a little refreshing to know I won't have to deal with the bullshit of someone not being able to do what they say, and mean it. The way I see it is yeah, we all get a little bit of a scar though every hiccup or breakup or ending of something you thought would be a great thing. But something that stayed with my was a comment my friend said, live in the moment, not in the fairytale. And he was right. Taking something for exactly what it is, and not what it could mean is so important. Not just with love or lust but with anything. It's one thing to dream, it's another to drive yourself mad with a 'what if' idea. Remember you always have the ability to change your own mind, decide your own future and make the right decisions to make you successful in a situation, you can never call the shots for somebody else, as much as you would like to.

Wounds heal, scars fade and the memory of a good time, well it lasts forever. You hold on to the positive, take the lesson from the negative and move forward to the next thing that comes your way. 

You never know who might just knock on your door, bump into on the tube or strike up a conversation with you in a bar. Embrace all of it, even the crappy experiences, because one thing you'll never stop doing, is learning from your mistakes.