Clean

I tend to always want to rush through something. I'd rather set goals and just pass them one after the other, but more often than not I end up forgetting to enjoy each goal I reach, as if getting to that point wasn't good enough because there is so much more ahead.

When I officially moved back to Stockholm in August 2014, battled through the winter and turned into Bridget Jones... got fat, cried a lot and drank a lot of wine all the while wondering if I had made the right choice. So when the overcoming feeling of self doubt and guilt of thinking I made the wrong choice struck me, I knew I needed a break. At the time, I was able to take the time I needed to go home for my brothers wedding and then extend it. I was lucky to have understanding colleagues and the whole summer I spent in Toronto and to be honest I was about a week shy of staying indefinitely. I was really unsure of coming back to Sweden. It wasn't anything like my life in London, it wasn't anything like the life I left in Toronto, I wasn't sure if the few friendships and relationships I had built, in fact I wasn't sure of anything really. But as I know myself, I knew I had to come back and see it through. 

When August of this year came and I returned home to Stockholm, I had a bit of a tough go ahead of me. I had to find a new place to live and manage the departure of a close friend and colleague in my life. Though we remain acquaintances currently, the whole situation happened so quickly I'm not sure what to even think of it anymore.

With the changes in my workplace and the hunting for a flat, Autumn came and went faster than I could of ever felt it. Even though it shot passed my like a dart, everything fell together, more perfect than I could of imagined it. 

I ended up finding a beautiful flat just outside the city, and am finally having a place to call my own and live alone for the very first time in my life. The bar has never felt more like a place I am so proud to be apart of and most importantly the two gentlemen I work with, well we're lucky to be not just colleagues but genuine friends. 

With every high point there comes a low, or maybe a plateau or just a moment of self doubt and I couldn't help but feel that I had this overwhelming feeling of missing London once everything fell together here in Stockholm. It was like I was repeating my feelings from the previous winter. And maybe it's because the dark and dreariness of Stockholm and the freezing temperatures of December, I was certain to book a flight in the early new year to check in on friends and family and see if the life I was really missing was all that it was chalked up to be. 

I caught the first flight out of Stockholm to London on the morning of January 3 and in true London fashion, arriving or travelling anywhere on a Sunday, always, always think twice. Rail closures, road closures and delays... what felt like an entire day later, I finally arrived in West London to my cousins in Hammersmith.

London felt different this time. I couldn't decide if it was just the exhaustion of travel or dreary rainy London, but for the first time ever I didn't have this insane nostalgic feeling with every passing London bus, or stroll down memory lane. I missed it, but I no longer, longed for it. I didn't need London anymore, not in the way I used to.

I mean don't get me wrong, there is always going to be something magical about it to me. It's the city where I defined the first few years of my 20's, the city I found my first love, and the city I managed to lose everything in. But this time, there was finally this clean feeling.  A feeling that even though I stopped into my old place of work and had drinks with my ex's little sister, it wasn't about chasing an old life, it was about sharing the new one I had spent so much time building.

Sometimes you need to get out of town to get a new perspective.

For me, running to London was never a good idea. It had me comparing everything to it. But this time, it gave me a whole new insight on Stockholm.

I think my last visit to London made me understand that life isn't about comparing one situation to another, the grass will always be greener, here is no better than there; in some arguments... but what it is about, is understanding that each experience has it's own story. The places we go, the friends we make, the love we felt, the heartbreak and new beginnings, it all just fills the spaces in our mind with more memories to share, more perspective to gain and new stories to write.