Twenty-three.

You know that feeling, the one when you're in a crowd and you can't seem to get through, there is hundreds of people going in different directions, and you just can't seem to find that one path to stick to and get through it all?

That is the feeling in my head. One thousand thoughts, ideas, goals, ambitions, and I just can't seem to pick the right one, I am hesitant in my choice. 

I have always been a firm believer that you have to go with your gut, and follow my heart and the slightly annoying part to that 'gut' feeling I have, my heart doesn't agree.

No matter how many times I put it down on paper, bring it up in conversation, London is no longer an option. But for some reason, it feels like it still is. I feel like because I had a life there, I'll always feel like it's an option. And that's what my heart wants.

I was having a chat with my taxi driver last night, you know those slightly too honest, borderline delusional conversations because you just finished a rowdy Saturday night service, worked 15 hours,  and slept so little leading into that shift, that it's 2am, you're exhausted and a slightly vulnerable, and you're taxi driver asks why you're in Sweden, why you came alone, and how long you'll stay... and for whatever reason that question, the question I get asked at least once a day, it was so hard to answer. 

I talked about my life on the West Coast of Canada, life in London, and now life in Stockholm, and he said something to me, that I've heard a few times now...

"You leave a little piece of your heart everywhere you begin to create a life, so eventually, if you ever do go home to where you grew up, you'll never actually feel like it's home because you've left parts of you everywhere else, so you should choose the place you felt for most, the one that made you grow"

(Pretty profound for a taxi driver, if you ask me. But much appreciated)

He is right, and like I said, it's not the first time I have heard that before, I guess it's just sticking in my head and it had me thinking all day. 

But with all the trauma of how I left London, and what I left behind, I know, I absolutely know I will never be able to pick up that story again. That part of the book ended, the chapter is over, but why can't I let it go?

Am I just being a little bit nostalgic because a year ago, this weekend, I stepped into Stockholm for the first time, with a completely different idea of what my life was supposed to be like. Is it because I didn't get my way that I can't just let that be? Or is it because I still keep little bits of that life in my pocket and carry then with me... 

Maybe it's because life happened so easily there, I made instant friends, I had family, and six months in I fell in love and spent the rest of my time there with that person... Maybe it's because life happened so easily there, and it hasn't happened the same way here in Stockholm, maybe it's just me wanting to hold on to the comfortable, and familiar. 

I guess what I am trying to make myself realize, is that I came to Stockholm for a job, nothing else, not a person, or a friend, or family, I came for a job. And though building a life around that, I've done all on my own and it has been hard, and a little bit lonely.

I didn't have family for a buffer, I didn't have a boyfriend who made his family mine, I didn't make the same friends so quickly... But what I did do, was through caution to the wind a little bit, and went with my gut, and my gut told me Stockholm, and my gut told me take the job and my gut continues to tell me stay here a while, and build your life here, even though I may have left my heart in another place.

In a sort of run around way (which makes sense due to my lack of sleep, and sort of zombie like state) my gut says Stockholm, but my heart says London and maybe it always will; But I went with my gut the first time, so I'll just keep going with it. 

Though I have a big break coming up, where I will be gone from Stockholm from middle May to beginning of August, I think the break will do me well. I think it will give me the perspective I need on my life here, and maybe I will realize a little piece of my heart is here in Stockholm. 

The challenge will always and forever be feeling like I've made the right choice, and believing in my life here, my job and the friends I have made, and will continue to make. And to be honest with myself, I don't think I will ever feel completely set on this choice, well, maybe not until it feels as comfortable as London did, and though sometimes it kind of feels like it's going in that direction, I have days like these where I always just need to check myself. 

I suppose at the end of the day, you're never going to really know the biggest moments, or days, or decisions of your life, until you're in the middle of them. And having reservations like these, or concerns, or swayed opinions, it makes you human, and my goodness, it reminds me I'm young, and as much as I want to run before I can walk,  I can't. I just want to know that the choices I make in my life today, will be the best ones for tomorrow and after, and maybe I won't, until I'm right in the middle of one. 

The carousel will keep spinning, and I guess I'm okay with that.