Limbo

Pre note: This is an old post, I never posted.. I don't know why, clearly I was on to something, and finding this today reassures me more of whats ahead of me. I did have the rug ripped out from underneath me, and I might be okay, but I'm not fine at all. But it's having the realisation that I will be fine, with time and space and a new adventure. And how funny it is that we imagine our lives one way, and before we know it, we're in a situation that we never thought we would be in.

Are our expectations meant to build us up, or bring us down?

This morning I woke up very much in that limbo state and had the same thought I once wrote down right here. What if we want to stay in that moment forever, but we whole heartedly know we can't.

Where do we go from here?

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Sometimes I find myself awake in the middle of the night, absolutely exhausted and so desperately tired to sleep but I can't. I think the reason, more often than not is because I don't know when to switch off... This has always been my problem. So with this being said I'm about to put everything down that I can't seem to stop wondering and worrying about. 

In the last week, I have found myself in a consistent reminiscing mind set because of the fast approaching one year anniversary in London. I find it hard to believe that it's come so quickly, and how also about 3 years ago how I had a completely different plan and idea about my life. 

It's funny how things change and people come and go and our lives continue, three years ago I was falling.. hard..for someone who new from the beginning it wouldn't last for him because he was inlove with someone else, the same someone else he is marrying this coming weekend.. Three years ago I believed in something that never really made it, and today I am madly inlove with someone else  entirely. 

I just find it so interesting that you can be so set on something, and idea but how can you be so sure if  you're the only one who is set on such thoughts. Unfortunately, I often find myself worrying about tomorrow, next week, next year or how things are going to workout, because I'm so afraid of losing control of a situation and not being able to define why it happened. You see, if I know what's going on, and I mess it up, I have answers straight away but when I can't get that closure, I'll simply wonder forever. 

My ability to let go and relax is so far from my reach sometimes, I never really know how to get a hold of it. I can't help but wonder that I might be setting myself up for failure if I keep believing so whole heartedly in a plan or idea that I don't really know the other person supports. 

We second guess ourselves often I think because we look for flaws in what seems like the perfect relationship. It's like you're waiting for someone to pull the rug out from underneath you because your so jaded that you think for the first time in your life, you're madly, deeply and whole heartedly inlove with someone, that it's just too good to be true. 

I guess we all need a bit of reassurance, small romantic gestures or just a simple note about how he was thinking of you today, simply for the fact of assuring yourself that it's not all in your head, and it's not just a fairy tale. 

It's like that moment when you're about to wake up from a dream but if you open your eyes you'll realise it was just a dream and you're back to reality, that small, almost always passed over moment, it's like you just want to limbo in it for a while because the fear of opening your eyes to reality, may have you wanting to keep them closed forever...

Where are we going to go from here? 

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words mean more at night

like a song

and did you ever notice

the way light means more than it did all day long?

words mean more at night

light means more

like your hair and your face and your smile

and our bed and the dress that you wore

so I'll send you my words

from the corners of my room

and though I write them by the light of day

please read them by the light of the moon

Words- Gregory Alan Isakov