Resilient

Resilient
re·sil·ient
adjective
adjective: resilient
1.
(of a substance or object) able to recoil or spring back into shape after bending, stretching, or being compressed.

And sometimes like an arrow, we are pulled back to launch forward. - Stevie-Leigh Wright.


The last four weeks has changed my life dramatically, which is a loose definition to some because it's not like I won a noble prize or the lottery, it just changed in a way I never thought it would. I got back from Stockholm (the first time) on March 15th and was complete enamoured by the beauty, culture and nature of the city... not to mention my trial shift at a small cocktail bar turned out really well. About a week later, I heard back from the club, they wanted me to come back again and work a whole shift with them, something I completely understand as you can't really get a feel for a person over a 3 hour period. So with the good news of this, it finally felt like Stockholm was on the forefront and life in Sweden was totally going to happen.

With Stockholm on the forefront, the complication of deciding if it was the best thing for me and my boyfriend to do, was it's own sort of complicated scenario. My visa was going to expire, we had to come up with another option, pressure was coming at so many levels, of course something had to give. He made the call to end things one evening, and as hard as it was to swallow the idea, I knew that maybe it was the right decision in hindsight.


I think what broke my heart the most is that he wasn't even going to try. Maybe the fear of failure sat so forefront in his mind, that what if we got there, tried and it blew up in our face, it would be a bigger mess and an even bigger heartbreak. Part of me thinks well, good on him for pulling out now, I can carry on with whatever I want and just move forward, but I'll always be heartbroken about him not pushing his boundaries and just giving something a go, because you never really know how it's going to end up anyway.  I respect his decision more than he probably will ever know, want the best for him and know that this is the right thing to do- even though it hurts so much. I am a firm believer in whats meant to be will always find it's way. And though I won't stand around waiting for him, the space in my heart he takes up, will always be welcome to calling it home for him again.

The hardest part I would face was saying goodbye to him one morning, because I knew I wouldn't see him for a while. I stood in front of him on the tube platform, tears in my eyes just holding each other, wanting nothing more than to rewind to the less complicated moments of our life, and wishing we might have been able to stay in them just a little while longer.

As the train approached, we kissed for the last time, and I spent the next 42 minutes hiding behind my sunglasses, tears slowly rolling down my cheek, knowing that the second I got off that train, I refused to let it hold me back anymore.

While all the drama of my ending relationship flooded my life and thoughts, I managed to make it out to Stockholm again last week for a full trial shift with the boys at the Club. It was a huge success, I had so much fun, I felt confident behind the bar, ready and eager to learn. It felt like this was going to be a place that I could fit in, learn a lot and challenge myself as a bartender... something I have never done before.

What goes up, must come down, to only go back up again... Good news came yesterday morning. I was formally offered the job at the Club in Stockholm and was asked to start as soon as possible. So while I work out the logistics, early May I'll be joining two legendary bartenders to continue the success of a small, independent cocktail bar in the beautiful city of Stockholm.

I'm incredibly nervous, excited, overwhelmed, happy and scared all in the same moment to go to a country I would of never really thought about going to without the input from my ex, so I have to thank him for that. My visa is for a year, so it will be a great experience and who knows what will come out of it. I'm ready to take on all I've learned from the American Bar, and learn the new ways of the Club in Stockholm. It's a challenge, and if you haven't figured it out already, I like a challenge.

When someone tells me I can't do something, or won't be successful at it, there is nothing more I want to do then to illuminate how driven and determined I am to win the situation over. Though I know nothing of this experience is going to be easy, and learning a bit of Swedish will also be a challenge, I can always look back on this moment in my life and remember that when my heart got broken and I was let down, I did everything I could to be that resilient person my friends tell me I am.

Stockholm is going to be an adventure, and though I will miss my home and friends in London, I am confident in knowing that the more I travel, work and obtain a global career, the more London will be a city to (hopefully) welcome me with open arms in 2-3 years time again.

Moving on, moving forward and moving out is still a consistent theme in my life this year. I guess as this point I just have to go back to facing it on my own.

The key in all of this is to grow as a person, my ex made me want to be the best version of myself always. Now, I want to be the best version of myself, because I owe it to me, the person who I can always depend on, over and over again, to be resilient, hard working and driven, no matter the situation.

I also am so incredibly thankful for my friends and family through all of this. They listened to my heart ache, answered my late night phone calls, emails and texts, were my drinking buddies, my psychiatrist, cheerleader and motivational speakers through all of this. They know who they are, I love them dearly and have them to thank for my sanity and happiness because without them, well I don't really know where I would be. They're all over the world. Even as far as Sydney, Australia, but without them, life just wouldn't be the same.

So as I mend my broken heart, spend time with friends and family and pack up the life I made in London, one thing resonates in my mind. Everything will be okay in the end, if it's not okay, it's not the end.




p.s Special thanks to Luca Corradini and his consistent efforts in getting a shout out in my blog. Thanks for reading Luca, flaring and singing my name at every appropriate and inappropriate moment.