Once

 

Well, I have been sitting on the idea of this post for the last week. I wasn't sure how to formulate it into words, I'm still not 100%, but I think it needs to be put out there. Anyway, I think now is a good time to share a part of my life I've kept rather close to my heart for two years. After getting to know someone long distance and almost never thinking that we would actually ever be in the same place, last week it actually happened. What happened sort of came out of the blue and was probably one of the most surreal experiences of my life. I had met him online, as that's one of the places you seem to meet people now and days, and we met two years ago. What we both expected was just a onetime conversation, however, it turned into an afternoon on Skype followed by two years of Skype conversations, text messages and facebook. Technology can truly bring two people together. In April 2010 we met and spent countless hours on Skype together, I was questioning my ability to leave my computer alone! Following April was summer filled with back and forth messages and Skype conversations, establishing the idea that once, maybe just once, we could be together. I had worked really hard that summer and made a lot of money and had an idea that maybe before school started in September I would go to London to spend a week with him… but naturally, who fly’s thousands of kilometers to see someone they barley even know. The idea was shelved for a later date as eventually, things went south as they do and he ended up in a relationship with someone come the end of the summer, at the same time I was sort of seeing someone. So, naturally it made sense and we kept our distance... all 4,000km or the distance between Toronto and London. Of course when things went sour between him and his girl, we talked more again and this went back and forth until about May of this year, when we really rekindled our friendship as I was finally owning up to the words of  " I'm going to come to London"... as excited as I was about finally getting here, there was also the idea in the back of my head of what it would be like to meet him for the first time in two years. 

When I first arrived in London we had no exact plans of when to see each other, and of course it was probably the only thing I wanted to do after all this time, all the curiosity, all the things that were said... you just want that clarification... could there ever be a him and I like we once thought? Though he seemed excited for me to arrive, he was sort of standoff-ish as I tried to made plans with him, so I eventually left it alone. Perhaps the actual reality of me being here was slightly intimidating… or he didn’t want to run into something after just getting his heart broken. After I thought he was just going to blow me off entirely, I received a text message two Saturday morning’s ago, which lead to me heading on the 5 o'clock train to go see him, as he lives about an hour or so out of London. With my stomach turning in knots as I sat on the train, I thought to myself… "What if we can't even hold a conversation? What if it's nothing like we thought it would be? What if he's actually the biggest asshole ever? What if I don’t think he’s attractive in real life?!” So many questions ran through my head, so many things I would just have to answer after I got off the train that afternoon. 

When I arrived at my destination I stood there on the platform for an extra second just to take it all in. Here I was, an hour and a half outside of London, meeting someone who I've gotten to know through Skype and every other source of communication except for face to face for the better part of two years... Most people would call this insanity; I thought it had a sense of romance to it. 

As I stood outside the train station waiting for him, thinking every car that pulled up was his, each time someone stepped out, my heart skipped a beat. And then just after 7pm on June 10, 2012, approximately 2 years and 2 months later…there he was. As he walked towards me, I kept thinking to myself "don't pass out, don't pass out, don't pass out" your emotions can get the best of you, but this time I was just going to play it cool, as one of my good friends said " Chill out Kaitlin, he isn't superman" and she had a very good point.

As we said hello and gave each other a hug, the immediate feeling of nervousness dropped out of me entirely. We walked towards his car making small conversation about our days. When we got to his base (yeah, he’s in the British Military, not a surprise to me at all) we checked with security and headed off to his room. He mentioned how his friend new I was coming and would definitely try to say hello at some point to see what all the fuss was about. Once we got to his room, we just decided to chill out as it had been a long day for both of us. Naturally, we lied down on his bed like two people would, however a large space between us... which was adorable, because you could tell there was some tension in the air, a sense of.. so is this actually happening?! As time passed and our conversation continued while Big Bang Theory played in the background, it reminded me of the countless hours we had spent on Skype, the only thing was, we were in the same room this time. Slowly, we moved closer to one another throughout the conversation, easing the awkwardness and just becoming more comfortable with one another. It took no time for us to be like we were during all the time we spent on Skype together. After continually gazing into each other’s eyes, during our conversations I finally mustered up the courage to do something I had wanting to do for the last two years – kiss him. And as I leaned in to do so he immediately met me half way. 

That first kiss, I can barely put into words... how do you describe the feeling you have when you finally get to kiss someone after two years of wondering if you had wasted your time or if it was something that was going to change your life forever? Needless to say, one of the best first kisses I have shared with a guy, ever. So much passion, spontaneity and finesse to it. That moment set us up for an evening of lust and passion, one I'll never forget. 

The next day we chatted over lunch about our life ambitions, favourite travel destinations, music and present and future family plans. All things we had discussed before, but things that seemed so much more real now more than ever. Though we had a great lunch I couldn't help but notice a certain sense of distraction from him, though I wasn't going to question it, as I wanted things to be somewhat lighthearted for the first time we met. We spent the last of our few hours together walking through a big garden and enjoying the sunshine that Sunday afternoon. 

When he dropped me off at the train station and kissed me goodbye, there was a feeling of content left with me, a sort of... if this is how the story ends? I knew then that I can stop wondering, but it also felt like it could be the beginning of something we had waited so long for. 

Well, as much as I would love that fairytale, it's unfortunate that this won't be the case. The next day he texted me saying that he was glad we finally got to see each other, but thought we might have jumped the gun, if you will, as he was still in love with his ex-girlfriend and wants to be with her. You know, I knew that in the back of my head, even going to see him, as they just broke it off for the second time late in April of this year. It's a fresh wound and when you love someone, it takes time to get over that. So reading that text message, it wasn't a surprise, it was just a confirmation that there wasn't going to be any sort of him and I. As much as it hurt to read that, I respect him so much for saying so. He could have been one of those assholes, who just dragged me through the mud to get over someone else, but he obviously has some sort of heart as just straight out said it. Like any girl, when you get rejected (I hate that term) it hurts. Rejected by a friend, family or a guy, it hurts every single time. And after all the boys who have hurt my heart, I wasn't about to let this one get anything more than 10 minutes of that. You see, I have this rule, when I'm genuinely upset over something; all I give myself is 10 minutes to cry it out, be angry, shout, or just down right mope about it because anything more than that is a waste of time. And sticking to my rule, I was going to wait until I got home to let it out so I didn't look like a blubbering idiot in public. Unfortunately, having been out with some coworkers for the evening and consuming a few cocktails, this wasn't the case. 

As I sat on the tube, about 10 minutes away from my house, a tear streamed down my face, and even though I tried so incredibly hard to make it stop, I couldn't. I gave myself the ten minutes just to let it out, the two girls sitting in front of me on the tube asked me if I was okay, I simply replied "Men, can't live with them, can't live without them" and isn't that the truth! As I approached my door around 11pm two Monday’s ago, I thought to myself, well, you met the guy you had been wondering about for ages, and can finally stop wondering about what it would have been like to meet for the first time. The story was over, the chapter had ended.

The funny thing is, when he texted me saying his feelings still were with his ex, I simply said, perhaps when you're over it, we may cross paths again... slightly pathetic of myself... but when you feel something is right, I'm not afraid to say it. For the last two weeks it's been on my mind of how to "come to terms" with it... and honestly, yeah it's shitty, it really is... but I am the biggest believer that everything happens for a reason and I truly don't think the universe would be as cruel to create such a moment between two people, for it to only be over so quickly.

In all honesty, there is absolutely no telling of what will happen. We haven’t said a word to each other and to avoid any more embarrassment or humility, I won’t be saying anything first, that’s for sure. I know he isn’t the only guy in London, so I won’t be sitting around waiting; life is way too precious to sit around and wait for someone to see what is right in front of them… 

It was a moment in my life I will never forget, and it has given me quite the story to share, it doesn’t happen to everyone and it was very much something I’ll share forever. As I said to my friend, it could be one moment, or the first moment that leads to a love story for the rest of my life. I’ll leave the rest up to fate and divine intervention; everything happens for a reason.