It's a longer road to being me again, than I thought.

“ There ‘s a reason I said I’d be happy alone. It wasn’t because I thought I’d be happy alone. It was because I thought if I loved someone and it fell apart, I might not make it. It’s easier to be alone, because what if you learn that you need love and you don’t have it? What if you shape your life around it and then it falls apart? Can you even survive that kind of pain? Losing love is like organ damage. It’s like dying. The only difference is death ends. This? It could go on forever.”

There is something I love so much about reading that over and over again. It just sits and resonates so deeply through my soul, what if you do in fact lean on love and it falls apart. When you love someone and you break up, where does the love go?

About four months ago I went through the first breakup of my life that actually meant something to me. A person who I thought would of stuck around a lot longer than expected, and since then i’ve sort of fallen back into the old ways of my self circa, Summer 2011 and when you go from the extreme of loving someone with your heart wide open, to trying to fill that massive void with something else, anything else…sometimes you can lose yourself somewhere in the middle of it all. 

Since the breakup I have moved on, and there has been other dates, and sparks of possible relationships, but something tells me that I don’t really need it right now, I’m grasping, trying to fill the void in my heart someone left. Or maybe I do need it, but in a slow, day by day approach, living in the present moment, kind of idea. Breakup’s aren't easy, and believe me, i’ve come along way since the first moment it happened. I just think it’s the adaptation part. The whole living your life alone again, going from ‘we’ to ‘me’ and knowing that when you get home at night, there won’t be someone waiting for you. Those are always going to be the tough, real life, feelings you have to face. But it’s in being vulnerable we are our strongest person, and though sometimes those moments catch you off guard and make you a little bit sad, there is honesty and truth in that. It’s because someone mattered you feel that way, and that’s okay too.

Adding insult to injury, I had to leave a city I didn’t necessarily want to leave then and there, it was like one day I woke up with a great life in London and the next day, it was over, and there was nothing I could do to get it back. It becomes some sort of unfinished business you’ll forever have and I think that’s what has made the breakup hard to move forward from, it was so abrupt - all of it- and I guess when you don’t see something coming, it takes a few minutes to get back up when you’ve been knocked down.

In braving the storm, more than often, there is a rainbow to look forward to at the end. And though the last four months has had it’s tough moments, it’s also brought a few things full circle for me. 

I now know for certain I am heading back to Stockholm for some time. Which means a new adventure, a job I really started to enjoy and can’t wait to get back to, making new friendships and catching up on the brief ones I had made just before I left. 

Toronto. Well, you see the tough part in being in Toronto, was how familiar everything is, and how easy it is to fall into old routines and parts of yourself you swore you’d never let take over again. However, I got to spend so much time with my brother and his fiancé and the rest of my family, some time with old friends and had the opportunity to make some new friendships that I didn’t expect to make, so for being stuck in a city I’d rather not be in, I worked hard, made some money, watched my mum and dad get married, see my step brother for the first time in 3 years, and made some unexpected new friendships, that I hope last longer than this summer.

The ability to continually visit London. Though sometimes I get nervous knowing I am going back to visit (re: running into your past) and hang out with old friends, the best part is I can still walk the city and remember if it was truly the place I wanted to be. Because it is still forever on my mind, but if I ever want to call it home again, it’s going to take a bit of work, but it also has to be the place for me, not for anyone else. 

I have just under a week left in Toronto, getting ready to head to London for 5 days and then Stockholm for the 27th of August. 

I think one of my closest friends said it best, to be just 2% scared because adrenaline will get me through that two percent. I think more than anything I just want to get back to the adventure I started back in May… new city, new job, new friends, new everything, because the opportunity to start again, start new and fresh- ready and eager, means so much when you’re trying to move forward.

I know the next 7 days will fly by faster than I know, considering I am working 5 of them hoping to make my last big cash grab before I head back to Europe. 

I’ve told myself I want to see a new city once a month, I need to take advantage of how close so many things are in Europe and I now get a second opportunity to see new places and spaces, with the freedom to do whatever my heart desires.

These are the moments I live for. The ability to go on an adventure, immerse myself in a new place and culture, give a little piece of my heart to another place on the earth, create  a new “home” just for a while. 

First stop, catching up with all things British, a buzzing city vibe and some of the best friendships I’ve made… London, see you in a week.

Stockholm, I’m coming for you! Be excited, be ready, can’t wait to take the city by storm a little bit more this time.