1:10am

Some of the hardest moments in my life I've had to deal with on my own, without anyone's advice or any sort of support, just me, myself and I. 

I always new myself to be a strong person, thoughtful and driven, but in the last year I've changed and in the last 6 months someone has changed me. He's made me want to be a better person, work harder, laugh louder and love unconditionally. But something tells me that I've put so much into something I hold so close to my heart that I let every single wall fall down and forgot the strength in myself to be alone sometimes. 

I guess what I'm trying to put into words is that, I've loved someone so much that I forgot that my happiness just doesn't come down to being with them. I've made myself feel so vulnerable and it's a little bit scary for me. 

My oldest friends know me as the single girl, the one who makes all the rules and doesn't take any bullshit and somewhere between that definition and this moment it's been like a 360 degree  turn. 

I'm honestly struggling these days to define my own happiness within myself, and I'm not sure how to get it back. I know I always wanted someone to be there to enhance it, but never own it and recently I feel like I somehow let that happen. 

Love is a tricky feeling. There are so many highs and so many lows that you wonder if it is some sort of ruthless game or that every moment  be like the first time. Though I can say I am happy with so many things in my life, and definitely my relationship being the most important one; I can't say that I am happy with myself for losing sight in whom I've always been; driven, strong, independent and willing. 

London has changed me, it's built me up and tore me down but it's taught me that these types of experiences in your life with either make or break you for years to come. And I wouldn't change any of it. But right now I think my next step to take is defining myself on my driven and independent abilities. 

I want to take everything I have in my life right now and make it better, even if its already great. I want to continue to love my man so truly and intensely but I also want to be a little less vulnerable if you will, because sometimes the ideas of what you want and where your going don't always turn out as to what you thought you planned. 

My grandfather told me to never lose sight of the end goal, though I no longer no exactly what that will be... Ill do my best in never losing out on an opportunity or saying yes to someone who has now changed me forever.