Do you know me, at all?
But this is gonna take me down
He's so tall, and handsome as hell
He's so bad but he does it so well
I can see the end as it begins, my one condition is
Say you'll remember me
Standing in a nice dress, staring at the sunset, babe
Red lips and rosy cheeks
Say you'll see me again even if it's just in your wildest dreams
Wildest dreams
---
I think at some point we always hold on to moments, important or not, a long time ago or recently, we hold on to them, their significant fades and sometimes changes, but more than anything, we hold on to it, because something about it defined us, maybe for a minute or maybe for a while.
2014 has felt like a year that's thrown me some very significant moments, tragic, happy, sad and exciting ones, but I feel like I've spent my life at 22 on damage control.
Trying to understand what has happened to me.
There's a great quote from Grey's Anatomy (of course from Grey's, we all know I live my life vicariously through Meredith Grey) but it's when Christina is wondering about the significance of her life, and all the moments that led her to being nominated for a Harper Avery. Long story short...
"Do you know who you are? Do you know what has happened to you? Do you want to live this way?
But I think those are valid questions. Questions we forget to ask ourselves, questions we all too easily leave unanswered in the back of our minds, afraid to really understand what we're actually doing.
I hold on to a few moments this year.
1. Finishing at my previous hotel bar. The history, the story, the 24 months of my life I spent there. Something was so wonderfully liberating about leaving, but absolutely tragic about it too.
2. Listening to the words someone said, but watching them turn and walk away from you.
Actions will forever be louder than words.
I still love you doesn't comfort a broken heart.
3. A sign of change, a job offer for my current employer in Stockholm.
The sheer happiness I felt, with the extreme terror that loomed in my mind.
4. One Sunday off, meeting my two colleagues for a drink, wanting to leave because I desperately just wanted to be alone and curse why I ever let myself leave London. They didn't let me leave, they didn't even know what was wrong. They'll never know that in that moment they made me realize that 1. they were not just my colleagues, they were my friends; two kind, caring, thoughtful people and 2. that being amongst people during a moment of self doubt, is more important than trying to brave things on your own- because sometimes we just need somebody.
5. My 23rd birthday. The whole day, the happiness of being around such great new friends, and the sadness of missing those who couldn't be apart of it.
Holding on to these moments, reflecting on my life, wondering, wishing, dreaming, do I know who I am? Do I know what has happened to me? Do I want to live this way.
Today, I was catching up with a very close friend of mine from 15,500km away, and hearing her voice couldn't of been more inspiring. But it's like I said to her, I've spent 22 in damage control. Just trying to pack the wound and hope that I would make it through the night. Going through the motions, living on the surface of things. Doing my best to just breathe in, breathe out and move on. Do I want to live this way? No.
But the liberating part, the self assurance, the confidence, the 'bravery' some say I have was being in Stockholm through in all. Breathing in, breathing out and just trying to move on, move forward, missing London less, realizing that a love lost, is a lesson gained, and that best friends don't need to be in the same city as you, they just need to be on the other end of the phone.
I said something to an old college friend on the morning of my birthday. He asked if there was a birthday present waiting in my bed for me... he said, that's the best way every birthday should start, and though Alexander Skarsgård would of been perfect for that...I happily replied:
"No. I want 23 to be about me, myself and I, the cities I want to conquer, what countries I want to visit, what books I want to read, what stories I want to write. What places I want to fall in love with, and how I will push myself to be a better friend, acquaintance, colleague, stranger and person"
I want to stand firm in those words. Nothing has been harder than moving to a city where I knew less people than I ever had, picking up the pieces of my broken heart, wandering around with 'unfinished business' in London... these are hard things, being ripped out of a life you built. I guess thats the haunting truth about visas and immigration... it's out of your hands sometimes and that's the hardest pill to swallow, because no matter how determined you are about something or someone, you can't control the cards in their hands.
Do I know who I am?
Well, I am figuring that out, more and more everyday. The more time I spent outside my comfort zone, living my life in a little bit of a limbo of should I stay or should I go mentality, makes me a little bit more brave, a little bit more ballsy, a little bit more honest in that the right answer will present it's self when the time is right.
And everyday spent roaming the streets of Stockholm, sipping cocktails in some of my favourite bars, catching up with new friends, standing behind the bar in Old Town, is just a little bit more of reassurance that I've done exactly what I set out to do... International career, stay in Europe, and I'm pretty damn proud of that.
Do I know what has happened to me?
There will always be constant reminders of the last year of my life, it's in the photos on my phone, the blog posts I write, the old sweater hanging on my wardrobe... Ofcourse I know what has happened to me. But it's how you let the things in your life effect you.
I grew up in anything but 'normal', 'steady' and 'consistent' for the first 8 years of my life. Life was messy, it was hard. But I didn't let it make me jaded. Instead of resenting love and marriage, it's nothing I want more than to build a life from scratch with someone.
Then being a preteen sucked, kids were mean, I was bullied. Most kids were, but I let it almost break me apart one night, but something told me not to.
If we let our past dictate who we become, we're not leaving ourselves with much room to grow. As my father says " Shit happens, life goes on" and though that is slightly humorous, it's dead fucking honest.
Shit, does happen. Life does go on. The carousel keeps spinning. But how will you let that change your life. Sometimes we call those terrible moments 'rock bottom' where you stand there seriously, honestly, truly wonder, where are we going to go from here? But there is that sheer hope that a little bit of courage, resilience, and determination that pushes you forward.
At the end of the day, when the sun goes down, and there is a slight chill in the air... silence is around us, but you're sitting there left in the dark, you lie there and judge yourself on your accomplishments and failures. And you'll always be your worst critic, but there is something to be said about being proud of what you've done, the things you have said, the people you've made friends with, the ones you once shared your heart with... be proud of it all, breathe in, breathe out and take it all in.
Being on your own is terrifying. Finding comfort in solidarity, it isn't easy, it can be lonely, but the biggest reward it what you do with the time you have for yourself, you can choose to spend it whatever way you want, and that, that's the best part of young and twenty something. Selfishness, it's kind of appropriate, in a small way.
Do you know who you are? Do you know what has happened to you? Do you want to live this way?
Ask yourself. Breathe in, breathe out and wonder about it. You might want to change something in your life. Or you might want to continue living exactly how you are. But just be certain of it, be confident in it, don't let the fear of failing hold you back, choose you, choose vulnerability and learn something from it.
---
You see me in hindsight
Tangled up with you all night,
Burnin' it down.
Someday when you leave me,
I'll bet these memories,
Follow you around.
Even if it's just in your wildest dreams.
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